


Comic Classifieds

by LostImmortality



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: F/M, Fake Dating, Medium Burn, Mutual Pining, Rating May Change, Reader is Very Awkward, Reader is the only one that thinks the clever ruse is working, a bunch of dorks who aren’t fooling anyone, it’s not.
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-01
Updated: 2020-03-28
Packaged: 2020-06-02 08:19:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 19,896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19437556
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LostImmortality/pseuds/LostImmortality
Summary: Sometimes, bad decisions are made. Sometimes, you’re just tired of your family trying to set you up with people. Naturally, it was only a matter of time before you took matters into your own hands.What a mistake that was, huh?





	1. The Classifieds

“So I was talking to Catherine, you know from work, and she said she has a son your age! Maybe we should get the two of you together to meet. I’m sure you’d get along!”

Since your conversation was over the phone, you freely rolled your eyes at your mother. You loved her, really you did. But sometimes you just wished she weren’t so nosy about your love life. In fact, you were absolutely certain that it was her and your sister’s favorite pastime to poke around in your business.

“Yeah? I don’t know about that.” You shook your head despite knowing she couldn’t see it. “I don’t think I’m interested.”

“What? Why not? He’s a very nice boy! I want grandchildren, and at this rate, I’ll have to rely on your _sister_ for them!” She playfully told you. The sound of someone shouting in the background told you that your sister was nearby.

“Mom!” You chastised, “I don’t want to date your coworker’s son.”

“Why not? Just give it a try! It’s not like it would be hurting anything.” She pressed further, much to your displeasure. “Can’t you at least give it a try?”

In a moment of clouded judgement of wanting to get her to stop for a bit, you made a very rash split decision that you just _knew_ would come back to bite you in the ass.

“Yes it would, Mom. I’m already dating someone.” You weren’t, obviously. That was a bold faced lie. However, it was a lie that you might just be able to pull off, given the fact that apart from the occasional phone call, you hadn’t actually _seen_ your family in a while.

The line went silent, much to your confusion. “Hello?”

“ **_What?!_ **” You had to pull they phone away. “Why didn’t you tell me?!”

“Because I knew you’d react like that,” you told her matter of factly, “It’s not that big of a deal.” It really wasn’t any kind of deal, considering that there _was_ no significant other.

“Well, what are you waiting for? Tell me all about them! I wanna know!”

Oh. Of course she did. “He’s very,” you floundered to think of a good way to describe a boyfriend, “nice.”

“Nice.” Your mother deadpanned.

You flinched a bit. “Yes. Yup. That’s most certainly what I said. He’s very nice.”

“Well that’s good to hear, that he’s nice!” You could still hear a bit of disbelief in her voice. “I’m sure It’ll be great to meet him next week!”

“Yeah, it’ll be-“ you stopped, “Wait, what?”

“You _are_ still hosting thanksgiving at your house this year, right?”

You were silent for a moment. Of course she had called for a reason other than to pester you. How could you have forgotten that you were hosting your family this year?

“Did you forget already?” She sounded fairly exasperated at your silence.

“No, no, I was just… thinking.” You cleared your throat. “Look mom, I’ve got a few things to do today. Would you mind If I called you back later?”

“Wait,you haven’t even told me about your boy-“

“Oh no,” You grabbed a picked of paper off of your desk and began crumpling it into the receiver. “I’m sorry I can’t hear you, I’m driving through a tunnel.”

“Hey, don’t you dare hang-“

“What’s that? Sorry, I’ll talk to you later. Love you, Mom!” You hung up the phone before she could yell at you any more.

You stared at the phone for a few seconds before letting it clatter down on your desk. You leaned back in your chair and buried your face in your hands with a heavy groan. What were you supposed to do now? Your mom was a gossiper, so there was a hundred percent chance that it wouldn’t be long before the entire family was expecting to meet a boyfriend in a week.

You knew that she was already half expecting there not to be any boyfriend. She wasn’t wrong, but could you really live with the embarrassment of having to explain that you made up a fake boyfriend to your whole family? On the bright side, you had a week to figure out how to dig yourself out of the hole you had created.

Maybe you could just tell them all that the two of you got in a fight and broke up. They’d see right through that, though. The boyfriend that no one met or had ever even heard of before just up and disappearing before anyone could meet him? Yeah, right. That would fool a total of no people.

You leaned forward onto your desk and peeked through your fingers. You _wished_ you could say that this surprised you. But it was fine. You could fix this. Hopefully. It would take some metaphorical duct tape and super glue, but at the very least, it wasn’t as if you had told her someone had proposed to you or something like that.

You dropped your head onto your desk with a dull ‘thud’. This was stupid. Maybe you should just pull a random stranger off of the street and ask them to pretend to be your boyfriend. They’d get free food out of it!

You let out a sigh. Yeah, you weren’t too keen on bringing the kind of strangers that would attract into your house. Plus, that… kind of sounded vaguely like you were trying to abduct people, which you very much so weren’t.

If only there were an easier way to find someone who would be willing to help you out that wasn’t a total creep without _sounding_ like a total creep. But that wasn’t exactly…

Wait. You had an idea.

You straightened up and flung open your laptop, quickly typing in your password and pulling up the website that might be able to help in this specific situation. As it loaded, you tapped impatiently on your desk. Maybe this was a bad idea.

The words on the screen almost seemed to mock your blunder. You almost couldn’t believe this was what your life had come to. When people asked you what you saw yourself doing as an adult, never in a million years would you have even considered that looking for a fake boyfriend on Craigslist was on that list. But, here you were anyways, doing just that.

It was a given that you skipped over all of the more _personal_ classifieds, which narrowed down your search quite a bit. What you were left with was not the greatest, though. It was nothing that you could really work with, sadly. You sighed and were about ready to resign yourself to giving up when one ad in particular caught your eye.

“ _Looking for odd jobs_ ”

Well, you certainly had an _odd_ job. You pulled it up and were quick to tilt your head in confusion. Someone literally put their entire resume up on Craigslist. Not only had they done that, but it appeared that there wasn’t a single capital letter in the whole thing. Other than that, though, it truly _did_ seem to be a collection of the odd job here and there, to an extent where it was almost impressive.

There was a number at the bottom, along with what seemed to be a first name. After a second of hesitation, you found yourself staring down at your phone. Did you really want to go through with this?

Yes. You were going to. It wasn’t even like the guy would say yes. It was kind of a very strange thing to ask of anyone, and if you were being completely honest, you weren’t _expecting_ anyone to go along with your dumb plan. Especially not someone who seemed to be genuinely looking for work, even if they had an odd way of going about it.

With a deep breath and a resolute nod, you picked up the phone. It felt like it took a lot more effort to dial the number than it really was. Once the number was in, you stared at the call button.

...Okay, now you were just being ridiculous. You were going to end up psyching yourself out if you kept this up. With that thought, you hit the button before you could second guess yourself again.

It rang once. Twice. Three times. Maybe this was better. If they didn’t answer, you could just write this whole dumb idea off. Maybe you’d just write it off as a wrong number anyways if the guy ever picked up.

Just as you were about to hang up, there was a soft click on the other end. There was a moment of silence before you were greeted with a pleasantly soft baritone through the receiver that nearly made you fling the phone across the room.

“hello?”

Someone answered. Cool. Good. Great. That was exactly what you wanted to happen.

“Oh! Uh, Hi!” You awkwardly cleared your throat, “I’m looking for… Sans?”

There was another small bit of silence, “kinda hard to see people through a phone receiver, but whatever floats your boat, lady.”

You were confused for just a moment before sheepishly shaking your head, even though you knew he couldn’t see it. “No, I mean, uh… I’m… calling for Sans?”

Whoever was on the other side of the line chuckled, “i’m just ribbing ya. what can i do for you?”

That wording was very strange, but you decided to let it be, “Oh! Right. That’s you, then.” Obviously, you dunderhead. “Sorry, I uh. I should probably tell you why I’m calling, huh?”

“i dunno. i was having fun listening to you fumble, but if there was a reason other than that, i guess i’m willing to listen to it.”

You took a breath before continuing, “Right. Sorry about that. There _is_ a reason. I was actually calling about the ad you put up on Craigslist? The one for ‘odd jobs’?”

“i’m familiar.”

“Right. Of course you are. I, uh… I have a very odd proposition for you.”

“ah. so this is gonna be another one of _those_ calls,” despite his words, there didn’t seem to be any malice in his tone. “i already have a vacuum cleaner, no i don’t wanna join your religion, and no i am not interested in joining you and your husband for an ‘escapade in the mall’.”

You felt your face heat up, “What? No, I-“ you stopped and backtracked a bit, “did someone _really_ ask you to have sex with them and their husband in a mall?”

“yup.” He popped the ‘p’ nonchalantly.

“Um, oh. Wow. Okay. Well, I’m not married, so… uh,” you trailed off and shook your head. “No, wait. That’s not it. It’s nothing like that. I actually think that any of those would probably be easier to ask of you than what I _actually_ need.”

“yeah? well now i’m curious. go ahead with your odd proposition, lady.”

“Alright, here goes.” You took a breath, “I’m asking if you can show up to thanksgiving at my house and pretend to be my boyfriend because I told my nosey family that I had a boyfriend, and obviously I don’t, but I don’t want to tell them that. Plus there’s no way I’ll actually be able to get a real boyfriend in a week that would be willing to play along, so I kind of decided finding a stranger online would be my best-“

Your flustered rambling was cut short when there was a deep chuckle on the other side of the line, “you really dug yourself into a hole, huh?”

A groan escaped you, “Yeah, I know. I’m sorry that I even have to bother you with my stupidity. I’m just…. you’ll get free food? And I can pay you however much you think is fair afterwards.”

“can i make a suggestion?” He asked. You nodded before realizing what you were doing. He seemed to know that when he chuckled once more. “next time, lead with free food.”

“Yeah, next time I’ll do that.” You shined and slumped over in your seat. “Sorry to bother you Sans. Have a good rest of your day.”

“chill your roll, lady. i never even told you if i was gonna help you or not.”

“...Are you?” You know you wouldn’t.

“yeah, sure. sounds like a disaster. i wouldn’t want to miss the crash and burn. besides, what better way to spend thanksgiving then with a complete stranger and her family?”

“Thanks for the... vote of confidence.”

“anytime.”

You cleared your throat after a moment of silence, “Right. I’ll just… I’m going to hang up now and text you the details, okay?”

“okay.”

“Thank you so much, you really don’t know how much this means to me. I’ll fake break up with you as soon as this whole mess is over.” You stopped yourself from rambling more.

“okay.”

“Okay? Alright. I’m sorry again for dragging you into this mess. I’ll talk to you later, okay, Sans?”

“okay.”

Your face scrunched up a bit, “Are you doing that on purpose?”

“maybe.”

“Oh,” you tilted your head a bit in confusion. What an odd guy. “Okay. Um, goodbye then.”

“okay.”

You couldn’t help but snicker as the line went dead, telling you that he hung up. This was going to be a train wreck, wasn’t it? You dropped your phone on your desk and shut your computer. Hopefully your dumb decision was going to help you out of the hole, and not dig you further in.


	2. Help Wanted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You have people over for dinner.

The sound of a knock on your door caused you to nearly toss the pie you had just pulled out of the oven across the room. It was a solid few hours before anyone was supposed to show up. Well, anyone except for… oh.  _ Oh. _

Right after your phone call with Sans had ended, you had texted him your address and a time to be there. In hindsight, it probably would have been smarter of you to have scheduled to meet him before the day of the dinner, but at the very least, you had thought to invite him before your family was supposed to show up. 

You set the pie on the stove to cool before rushing to your door. There was a bit of hesitation while you adjusted your clothes needlessly and put a stray lock of hair back into place. There was no need to impress this guy, and you knew it. Even so, it took a bit more willpower than you were willing to admit to so much as wrap your hand around the doorknob. 

Deep breaths. No big deal. You could do this!

The door was pulled open with more force than you had meant to use, “Hey there! You must be-“

You stopped in your tracks as you actually took in his appearance. There was a skeleton on your doorstep. That was… very far from what you had expected. It took your brain a few seconds to connect that no, this probably wasn’t a case of a rampant necromancer. This wasn’t even a human skeleton. This was a monster. It certainly wasn’t your first encounter with a monster, but...

“Oh, uh.” You cleared your throat and shook off your shock. “Hello, you must be Sans?”

He raised a brow… brow bone? You weren’t sure. “yup. that’s me. but usually people say ‘who’s there’ before ripping the door open.”

You stared at him in confusion, “you mean… like the set up to a knock knock joke?”

When he winked, you found yourself wondering how that worked. Was the bone of his face mailable? It had to have been, right? He didn’t exactly look to be a human skeleton, after all. 

“a picture would probably last longer, lady.” His voice brought you out of your thoughts. Had you been staring? Your face flushed as you looked away and stepped off to the side to let him in. 

“I’m sorry, I just didn’t expect…” you trailed off sheepishly. 

“a monster? yeah, i get that a lot. you don’t have to invite me in if you’re uncomfortable with that.” His tone sounded vaguely tight, though when your attention snapped up to him, he still had the same grin on his face. 

“No! What? No, that’s not it,” you shook your head. “It just took me by surprise. I’m sorry if I made  _ you  _ uncomfortable.”

Sans looked you over in contemplation, “nah. ‘m not easy to make uncomfortable, lady.” He wandered inside your house with his hands tucked into his pockets, glancing around before making a beeline for your couch. 

“You certainly know how to make yourself at home, huh?” You followed behind him as he plopped down and closed his eyes. 

“aren’t i supposed to be comfortable? i am your bonefriend, after all. would be kinda weird if i looked like i was out of place.” 

Your cheeks flushed as you let out a sheepish chuckle, “Right, uh…of course.” suddenly the skeleton jokes he had made during your phone call made sense. 

“Okay, so,” you began, “A few minor things, just, uh… things you should know. There’s a good chance questions will be asked, so there are a few things you should know.”

“last name's serif.” he deadpanned, tugging idly at the strings of his jacket. 

You blinked at him in surprise before quickly giving him your full name. Of course he would need that. It would be strange to be dating someone without even knowing their last name. 

“You uh, kinda seem like you know what you're doing. Have you fake dated people before?” you joked in an attempt to shake your nerves off.

He chuckled and winked at you, but apart from that, gave you no answer. Wait… what was that supposed to mean? Was he just messing with you, or was this really not the first time he had done something like this? He certainly didn't seem like the type, but then again, you supposed you didn't really know him at all. 

“Right. Okay. I would invite you to make yourself comfortable while I finish dinner, but you kind of seem to have that handled.” You gave him a small smile. 

“you have a very comfy couch,  _ and  _ you're offering me free food. i'm living the high life right now, lady.” Sans waved you off, “now get outta here before you burn whatever you've got cooking.” 

What? You weren't going to burn anything! You had everything perfectly under control in the kitchen. The pies were out to cool, the turkey was almost finished, the potatoes were-

“Oh, shit! The potatoes!” You scrambled off to the kitchen, quickly followed by a deep laugh coming from your couch. Oh. Your fake boyfriend had a nice laugh.

Was… was that a weird thought to have? Was that creepy? He was a  _ stranger.  _ And there you were, thinking like…. No. No, you were fine. You were allowed to enjoy the company of other people, even if said people were only there because of your dumb, silly mistakes. Sans seemed like a nice person so far. At the very least, he had put up with your plan. 

You pulled the pan off the burner and quickly turned the flame off, giving it a second to cool before setting it back down. It seemed like everything was fine. You had gotten there just in time thanks to Sans. A breath of relief escaped you as your shoulders slumped a bit. 

You were never going to pull this off. At least, you weren’t if you didn’t just relax a bit. Sans seemed like a nice enough guy, who also actually seemed to be going along with your plan. You would need to find a way to properly thank him for that. 

To start with, you peeked your head out the doorway to see that Sans was no longer on the couch, but instead wandering around the living room, examining all of your decorations and pictures. 

“Can I get you anything to drink?” Offering was the least you could do as a hostess. 

He glanced over at you, “depends. you got any ketchup?”

“...What?” He wasn’t… serious, was he? Did he just suggest that he wanted to drink ketchup straight from the bottle? What….  _ why _ ? Who just  _ did  _ something like that? “Uh… I mean…”

His grin widened a bit at your confusion, but he waved you off. “just water is fine, then.” 

“Er… right. Sure. Water.” You could do that. Water was easy. And much less… questionable. Not that you would have denied him… ketchup, but you weren’t entirely sure if he was joking or not. 

“you don’t gotta, though. it kinda sounds to me like you can’t quite mustard up the courage.” A small wink was sent in your direction. 

You stared at Sans for a long moment. “I’m sorry, but that joke was the worcestershire.”

Now it was his turn to stare at you for a few seconds before he chuckled. “that’s not a condiment, lady. but i can appreciate your condimentment to the joke.”

You got the sneaking suspicion you weren’t going to be able to get out of this one on top. But instead of backing off like any sane, rational person would do, you smirked at him, “well that’s a bunch of horseradish. I thought it was perfectly good. In fact, I relished in it a bit.”

“you trying to butter me up with these jokes? i already agreed to your plan, there’s no need to do that.”

“I don’t know who you think you’re a-dressing right now, but I can assure you, that is not what I’m doing!” You huffed in playful indignance. 

He put his hands up, “don’t mean to be a pesto, just trying to help out a pretty lady in a jam.”

You opened your mouth to retort, only to snap it shut once you had actually processed what he had said. Did he just call you pretty? Your cheeks heated up a bit. “Alright. You win this round, I guess.”

“i’m sure you’ll be able to ketchup next thyme.” He grinned at you and nodded his head to the kitchen. “so you got that water, or are you fresh out?”

“Oh! Uh, yeah!” A sheepish chuckle escaped you. Of course. Water. He had asked for water. 

You turned tail and fled back into the kitchen without another word. Sans chuckled once more in the other room, but you were a bit too busy shoving your face in a cabinet to pay that any mind. At least the cups wouldn’t judge you for getting embarrassed over nothing. 

...You really needed more social interaction, didn’t you? Here you were, inviting people into your house and getting all weird with… well, everything, actually. You knew that you really needed to talk to people more, but the issue with that was the fact that  _ talking to people  _ required any amount of social skills. Which, obviously, you didn’t have.

You did, however, have the skills to grab a cup and fill it up with water for the skeleton that was in your living room. But then again, unless you fell flat on your face between point A and B, that wasn’t really a hard task. Maybe you shouldn’t put that past yourself, though. 

After a second of consideration, you peeked back into the living room. “Do you want, like… ice or lemon or anything?”

“do i strike you as a fancy kinda guy?” Sans asked, gesturing down to his outfit which practically  _ screamed  _ casual. He was… wearing pink house slippers. What an odd dude. “just water’s fine.”

“Right,” you gave him a nod and turned back to the kitchen. This time, Sans slowly trailed after you, a bit to your surprise. 

He was quick to make himself comfortable sitting on your counter, though he was nice enough to avoid sitting anywhere where it looked like you were working on food preparation. You handed him the glass of regular, plain water, and he gave you a nod. 

Sans watched you mill around the kitchen quietly for a few minutes before finally speaking, “so, got any good tips on you and your fam i should know about?”

“Oh, uh… well, if you’re looking for things to get on my family’s good side, I can tell you a few details that you’d probably know if we were actually, uh… well,” you chuckled sheepishly. 

“wasn’t really what i meant, but shoot. i’m all ears.”

“You don’t have any ears, but okay.” It only took a few moments for you to gather your thoughts before beginning. “First thing you should know is that they’re a bunch of gossipers. They mean well, of course, but… well, they mean well. Uh, I have… I’ve got a sister, who mom says got all of the social skills out of the two of us. I agree completely, she’s a social butterfly. And mom’s a lovely lady. She can be a bit… invasive, but I don’t think she means to be.”

You stopped and looked Sans over. He quickly caught on to that and tilted his head at you in question. 

“You… don’t have to worry about my dad. I get the sneaking suspicion the two of you will get along just fine. And, uh… I don’t know what extended family is going to be in town this year because no one ever tells me anything, but that’s just par for the course.” 

“you ramble a lot, don’t you?” He grinned curiously at you. 

“Does it bother you? Sorry, I don’t uh…. I don’t mean to.” Of course it bothered him. Why wouldn’t it? You were sure no one  _ enjoyed  _ being talked at the way you always ended up doing. 

“course it doesn’t.” Oh? “it means i don’t have to put as much effort into holding up the conversation. thanks for that, lady.”

Did he just…  _ thank  _ you for rambling? You weren’t quite sure you understood, but you could think about that later. “Um. Right. You might want to avoid calling me ‘lady’ when everyone’s here, y’know?”

“i know,” he assured you, “don’t worry about that.”

You weren’t sure you liked the way he said that. “Okay. I won’t, then.” 

The two of you were silent for a few more moments before Sans spoke up, “i have a pretty social sibling, too. a little brother. he’s the coolest.”

“Yeah?” You looked up from the salad you were tossing together. “What’s his name?”

There was a beat of hesitation before, “papyrus.” You watched curiously as he ran a finger around the rim of his glass, the water inside still untouched.

“A cool name for a cool dude,” you gave Sans a smiled before looking back down at what you were doing. 

Sans began to reply, but was interrupted by a knock on the door. You felt yourself tense up more than you already had been, glancing back towards the door with a grimace. Oh no. This was a bad idea. This was a bad, stupid, dumb idea. Why had you done this again?

“hey, calm down. take a breath, and then go answer the door.” Sans reached out and gave you an awkward pat on the shoulder. “there’s no need to panic.”

“I’m not-“ okay, maybe you were. Just a little bit. “Yeah. Yeah, okay. Thank you.”

The knock sounded again, a bit more demanding this time. Okay. Okay. You could do this. You could  _ do  _ this. It was just your family. Well, your family and Sans the skeleton. Sans the skeleton who was pretending to be your fake boyfriend. Great. Cool.

With a deep breath, you rolled your shoulders and wandered over to the door. Your hand rested on the doorknob for a second as you worked on putting up a more relaxed smile. As soon as you twisted the knob, you were pushed off to the side by your sister. 

“Where is he?  _ Please  _ tell me you invited him.” 

You gave her a look, “Hello to you to, Sissy. It’s so nice to see you.” At your words, she gave you a quick hug, but continued to look over your shoulder. 

“Hello, honey! It smells wonderful in here,” your father wandered inside, your mother trailing just after him with a dish of… something in her hands. 

“Hey guys! Long time no see.” You smiled at your dad as he yanked you into a bone crushing hug. “Ouch, please don’t break your favorite daughter.”

“You’re  _ both  _ our favorites,” your mom pointed out.

“That's not how favorites work,” Your sister stuck her tongue out at you. 

As soon as you wiggled free from the hug, you gingerly took the dish, “I can take this into the kitchen for you.”

“Thank you sweetheart.” She smiled and nodded. “We’re still waiting on family to show up, though. Great aunt Deb just so happened to be in town!”

You and your sister shared a look. Deborah was…. well, she wasn’t your favorite family member by a long shot. Sissy easily agreed. So did your parents, even if they’d never admit that to you.

“Great,” you smiled through gritted teeth and quickly wandered back to the kitchen while your family made their way to your living room, chatting loudly as they went. 

To your surprise, Sans wasn’t in the kitchen anymore. In the spot he had been in was the cup of water, still full and flipped upside down. How the hell...? You set the dish down and glared at the cup. You would… clean that up later. 

For now though, you were a bit more concerned as to where Sans had gone. He hadn’t up and left you, had he? Would he do that to you? You thought… well, you thought… It didn’t really matter what you thought, did it?

And then your logic brain took over. Sans was still in your house somewhere. There was no way he could have left through the door without you noticing. Okay. Alright. Cool. Then… he was just in the back of your house somewhere. Maybe he needed to use the bathroom or something. Did… skeletons even  _ need  _ to use the bathroom?

“you okay there?”

You jumped a bit at the sudden baritone of Sans’ voice right over your shoulder. Without much more prompting, you spun around to face him.

“Yup. Yes. For sure. Peachy.”

He chuckled and shook his head. “if you say so. you ready to go out there?”

You shifted your weight between your feet as you thought. “I’m… how are you so calm about all of this?”

In place of an answer, Sans winked at you before stepping closer and draping an arm around your waist to lead you out of the kitchen and into whatever mess awaited in the living room. 

When their attention didn’t turn to the door when you walked into the room, you cleared your throat a bit awkwardly. When  _ that  _ didn’t work, Sans took the initiative to just… say words. Which, unsurprisingly, very much so got their attention. 

“heya famsquad. what’s the haps on this fine day?” 

All three of them quickly looked between you and Sans, seemingly trying to come up with some kind of response to that.

“Um. This is Sans. Sans, this is family.” You gestured accordingly between the skeleton and the group as you spoke. 

Your father stood up and made his way over to the pair of you. He sized Sans up for a second before holding out his hand, eyes narrowed in challenge. Oh no. You knew exactly where this was going, and you didn’t like it. 

“Wait, Dad, please don’t-“ before you could finish, Sans grabbed his hand. 

There was a very strange noise that you were fairly certain had never happened before, but you could still distinctly identify as a joy buzzer meeting a whoopie cushion. Huh. Both men grinned at each other, and your dad gave Sans a clap on the shoulder. 

“Smart man.”

“the old whoopie cushion in the hand trick. it’s always funny.”

“Oh my god, you’re dating a complete  _ nerd _ .” And there went your sister. 

Before you could comment on that, your mom patted the spot next to her with a warm smile, “come, sit. It’s lovely to meet you, dear. You’re a godsend. I was starting to worry that she was going to be alone forever.”

“ _ Mom! _ ” 

Sans snickered and lead you over to take a seat before plopping down at your side and resting his arm casually behind you. Ah. That was… certainly a thing couples did, wasn’t it?

“So Sans, tell us about yourself. Where do you work? What’s your family like? How long have you been living here? What are your hobbies? What are your intentions with my daughter? How many pizzas can you eat in one sitting?”

“Dad,” You groaned out. “You can’t just-“

“How old are you? Do you want kids? When did you two get together?” Great. Cool, Mom. If he actually  _ were  _ your boyfriend, you were certain their grilling would have already chased him off. 

“Do you guys have any cute nicknames? How do you two… you know?” Sissy made a face and winked. 

Okay, that was, uh… certainly something, wasn’t it? You flushed and sunk into the couch a bit. “ _ Guys _ ! You can’t do that!” And then to Sans you added, “You don’t have to answer any of that.”

Sans shook his head, looking surprisingly unaffected by all of the questions. “currently mainly college professor, i teach physics, but i take a lot of odd jobs, too. just me and my little brother. if you mean in the city, almost two years. i play the trombone, but i do like astrology too. no intentions, per say, just want her to be happy. depends on the size, but a lot. twenty-eight. dunno yet. march fourteenth. yes of course we do, and the same way as you would, i’m sure.” 

Oh. *Oh*, that was… Impressive. Half of them were… complete bullshit, of course, but you still hadn’t been expecting him to do that. Especially not as rapid-fire as he had. Your family seemed to agree on that if their expressions were anything to go by. You did your best to keep your surprise under wraps. 

...But it seemed like it had been at least somewhat noticed. 

Yours sister’s expression shifted a few times before she settled on briefly narrowing her eyes at you. “How’d you guys meet?”

“online.”

“At the park,” the two of you answered, very tragically, at the same time. Well. It was a good run while it lasted. You were just going to go lock yourself in your room and never come out, ever. 

“technically we met online, but the first time we actually met was at the park down the street.” Holy shit, Sans was your hero.

Despite the way your sister glanced between the pair of you, your mom butted in once more, “That’s so cute! I’m so happy for you!” 

"Oh, uh… thanks," she looked so genuinely happy that you couldn't help but feel a bit bad about lying to her. But… not bad enough that you were going to drop the act. Not after you had gotten this far. No, that would be… exceedingly dumb. 

Your mom gave you a bright smile before pulling you away from Sans and into a tight hug. Your sister took the opportunity to slide on the couch, and your stomach dropped. This wouldn't be good. 

"So, Sans, tell me, you said the two of you met online? Where online?" 

He blinked over at her before smiling as if remembering something fondly. "it was actually on an rpg," he explained. "not sure if you knew, but your sister is a huge nerd."

She narrowed her eyes over at you, "yeah… yeah, that checks out." 

"Checks out?" You asked, as if you didn't know exactly what she was doing. 

She hummed before turning back to Sans. "And how about those nicknames? Got any favorites?" 

He chuckled, "you've got a lot of questions, huh? she seems pretty partial to sweetheart, but i think that the cheesier they get, the better. innat that right, shnookums?" 

Your face went red as you blinked at him in surprise. "I, uh…" you cleared your throat. "Yup. Yes, that's… right."

Sans chuckled and gently pulled you back to his side. Naturally, you complied with the movement, slumping over against him. You were already exhausted from this.

… Sans smelled kind of like freshly fallen rain in a pine forest. And… basil, maybe? Either way, it was… kinda nice. You had to hit your train of thought away and focused instead on the conversation your family was having. Though… you still weren't actually listening to what they were saying, having been around them long enough to be able to tell that they weren't talking to you.

But, then your 'boyfriend' said something, and you feel his voice rumble in his chest as he spoke. Wow, you were getting really cozy with a stranger there, weren’t you? You sheepishly pulled away to sit up once more, instead choosing to lean on the armrest of your couch and pick at a loose thread. You didn't miss the odd looks you got from both your sister and Sans at that.

After a second of shifting a bit uncomfortably, you stood up and offered everyone in the room a little smile. 

"I'm going to go set the table." In all reality, you just wanted to step away, but… it was the best excuse you could think of. Before anyone could answer, you ducked out of the room and into the kitchen. 

There… was a lot less commotion in here. You were more than okay with taking your time pulling out dishes and silverware, just letting yourself think without the scrutiny of your family. 

What the hell had you been thinking? This was such a dumb idea, and you  _ knew  _ it wasn't going to work out. Why had you even considered doing any of this?

"you okay?" You jumped a bit at Sans' voice. You hadn't even heard him come in. He chuckled lightly and wandered over to you, carefully inspecting you. "was that too much?" 

"What?" You tilted your head before quickly shaking it. "Oh! No, no, you were doing wonderfully. I just… you know, had to rethink my life choices that have led up to this moment, you know?" 

"you said 'you know' twice."

"I know."

There was a moment of silence before Sans laughed, "you were doing fine, but i'd understand if you want to drop it and send me home. just, maybe include a doggie bag with the boot."

"I'm not gonna…" you sighed and ran your hand through your hair with a small, stressed chuckle. "I'm not gonna tell you to leave. I wouldn't even tell you to leave if it had crashed and burned worse than that."

“hey, i didn’t see any flames,” Sans pointed out. “can’t be any burning without that.”

You could help but chuckle a bit. “I guess. Though I’m pretty sure the reason for that is you. Thank you.”

“s no prob,” He assured you before reaching out to ruffle your hair.

You huffed and lightly pushed his hand away, "you're awfully nonchalant about all of this. Either way, I mean it. Really, thank you, Sans."

In place of an actual answer, he just shot finger guns at you. Though… you could have sworn that his grin softened just a bit. 

"let's get back out there before they start to worry. or before they start to suspect something. whichever comes first."

"Okay," you snickered and nodded. "That sounds like a plan." 

And so, you followed his advice and wandered back out to continue your train wreck of a dinner. At the very least, at this point you knew Sans had your back with all of this. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for reading, I am very excited for this one!


	3. Or Best Offer (OBO)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanksgiving dinner part two: electric boogaloo

"Oh, I see," your mother began with a chuckle as you entered the room once more. 

...Did she? What was it that she was seeing, because you… were admittedly a bit lost. 

"Awful bold of you two to sneak off for that," your sister agreed with a smug little look. 

"Sneak off for wh-" Sans lightly bumped into you, effectively cutting you off. You looked to him in confusion, only to have him look pointedly at your hair. 

Ah. That was right. He had gotten it all tousled up, which had probably lead them to believe that you two had been… You flushed and cleared your throat, pointedly not answering any of them. 

"How do you even lock lips with a skeleton?" Your sister continued good naturedly, to which she was promptly answered with a pillow chucked right into her face. 

"Mind your business, you butt." 

"oh, ouch. so very harsh. and to your own sister," Sans playfully ribbed you. 

"She's asking invasive questions!" You defended. 

"a woman of science. i can respect that."

"Sans!"

"that's my name, sweetheart," he winked at you. 

Oh goodness. Your flush brightened and you looked away with a huff. "I can't believe you're all bullying me. Meanies."

You felt your sister's gaze on you as she seemed to carefully consider something. She opened her mouth to say something, but before she could, there was a knock at the door. 

"I can… get that. Sissy, you wanna set the table for me?" You asked, looking towards the front door with a bit of a face. 

"I thought you said you already did that,” she joked before shaking her head, “But sure. Why don't you give me a hand, bone boy?" She mirrored your expression at the door before leading Sans away. 

"i do have two of them," he mused in the other room. "here ya go."

There was a screech before, "Oh my god! Put that back!" Sans' laughter followed your sister's obvious affrontation to whatever he had done. 

You shook your head with a small smile and wandered up to the door. You took a little breath before pulling it open, and smiling at the familiar face on the other side.

"Aunt Deborah!" You greeted, stepping aside for her, "Hi! How was the drive?"

Apparently, that had been the wrong question. "Oh, it was just dreadful! The traffic around here is terrible, I'm really not sure why you decided to live in this city, of all places."

You hummed and kept a polish to smile plastered on your face. “Aw, well I’m sorry to hear that. Here’s to hoping the drive back is better, at least.” 

“Yes, well, I’m sure the hoping would work a lot better if you lived somewhere less… urban. I’m sure the people around here are just about as terrible as the traffic, hm?” She didn’t wait for an answer before brushing past you and into the house. 

You fought back a sigh as you followed her back to your living room. She was quick to greet your parents about as cheerfully as she had greeted you, glancing around and seeming scrutinizing your house as she did so. 

You stood by a bit awkwardly while they talked, not really feeling like adding in to the conversation they were having until your sister peered out from the doorway. 

“The table’s all set. I think we’re good to go if you guys are.”

Fantastic. You absolutely took the opportunity to duck into the other room before the others could respond. 

Sans had, unsurprisingly made himself comfortable at the table already, idly balancing a fork on one of his phalanges. You took the seat next to him as he effortlessly balanced a spoon on top of that.

“Um…” You tilted your head at that before shaking it off, “Thanks for helping out with that table.”

“no prob. didn’t do much, anyways.”

“That’s a lie,” Your sister took the seat across from you and kicked her feet up onto your chair. “After giving me a heart attack, he was plenty helpful. Even though I’m not sure…  _ how  _ he managed to get everything done so quickly.”

He shrugged indifferently, but made no effort to comment.

Your sister lowered her voice to a near whisper, and glanced to the doorway you had come through, where muffled talking could still be heard. “She at least in a decent mood today?”

“Sorry in advance,” you muttered out softly, more to Sans than her. She already knew what Deborah was like. 

Sans finally blinked over at you from the butter knife he had been placing on top of the spoon, “nothing’s happened yet, and if it does, it’s not your fault. you don’t have to apologize for other people’s actions. i already know you’re a good person, and that’s enough for me.”

Your cheeks heated up a bit. He… really thought that? But.. he hadn’t even known you for more than a day!

“Ugg. Barf. Get a room, you two.” Your sister, despite her comment, shot you a teasingly knowing grin. 

“Well… I mean… you’re in my house, so technically  _ all  _ of the rooms are liable options,” You joked back lightly in an attempt to distract from the blush you were sporting. 

“it’s free real estate,” Sans added in a deadpan whisper.

Both you and your sister stared at him for a long moment before you broke into a little snort, “If you start living in my cupboards, I swear I’ll chase you off with a broom, you strange little gremlin man.”

Sans chuckled lowly, “oh yeah? neat. sounds like a good time. you never fail to pick the best things to do for date night.”

You forwent replying to that when the others came in, your parents happily taking seats at the table. Deborah, on the other hand, seemed to freeze in the doorway for a few seconds, eyeing Sans in thinly veiled distaste. She shook it off and pretended she hadn’t quickly enough, though.

“Hello...er… sir. I do not believe we’ve met,” she mused, wandering up to the table herself. 

“sans. sans the skeleton,” he offered her, seemingly indifferent to her tone.

“I see. And you’re here because…?” She eyed him as she took a set. 

You narrowed your eyes and spoke before her could, “He’s here because I invited him. Would have been kind of strange for me not to have at least  _ invited _ my boyfriend to dinner.”

“Your… oh, I see.” She gave you an odd look. “Really? Aren’t you worried about… well, all of that?”

You glanced over at Sans, who was watching you curiously, likely to see what your reaction was. 

It didn’t matter what he was. Human or monster, Sans was a good person. He didn’t have to do half of the things he did for you, an almost complete stranger. There was no way you were going to let her continue to the way she was. 

“No. No I am not. I have no reason to be.” Your tone left no room for argument before you shifted a bit awkwardly. The last thing you wanted to do was make any kind of scene, so you cleared your throat and continued, “um… I hope you guys like the food.”

They all stared at you with various looks for a few seconds before taking that as a cue to start piling their plates with food that had been set in the center of the table. 

Sans hummed, “ah, mashed potatoes. the second best mash.”

It was your sister that tilted her head at him, “and… what’s the best kind?”

He just winked at her, much to everyone’s confusion. “can you pass the ketchup?”

Your father handed it over, to which Sans instantly drowned his entire plate in it. You… tried to hide your surprise at that.

“You would think that you were concerned about your girlfriend’s cooking skills with that much ketchup,” your mother snickered in amusement. 

“force of habit,” he shrugged. “my little bro likes to cook, and for a while, he made nothing but spaghetti that a friend taught him to make. he… never actually tried it, and i didn’t have the heart to tell him.”

“You’re a sweetheart,” Your mom smiled at him before grinning over at you and stage whispering, “You’ve found yourself a keeper, dear.”

“She’s found  _ something _ , for sure,” your sister hummed playfully. 

“A treasure,” you insisted playfully, tilting your head at Sans. “Or something like that.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, one man’s trash, blah, blah.” She waved you off. 

“nah, i haven’t worked as a garbage man in months, actually. but you’d be surprised what you humans throw away.”

“They let you work in public service?” Deborah asked, picking idly at her plate.

Before you could get anything in edgewise, he nodded, “sure did. i happen to have a whole lot of experience with trash.” You had no idea what he had meant by that, but you got the feeling it was mildly passive aggressive in one way or another.

She hummed haughtily, “I see. Well, I suppose-” When you weren’t the only one at the table shooting her a look, she snapped her mouth shut. “...It doesn’t matter. A… helpful skill to have.”

Your father cleared his throat, “So, you said you taught physics? How is that?”

Sans tilted his head, “well, i don’t teach it full time. more of a guest speaker on occasion for quantum physics and soul science.” 

“Soul science?” Your mother inquired curiously.

“yeah. apparently you guys didn’t even really know they were a thing until we came up here, even though they’re the very culmination of your being.”

“Well of course we knew about souls! They’re very important in a lot of religions!” Deborah pitched in.

Sans shook his head, “no, not like that. they’re actual, physical, tangible things. i’d offer to show you, but well, they’re kind of intimate unless….” he hummed in though and tilted his head before looking to you. “hey, do you mind if i pull you into an encounter? it won’t hurt or anything, but it’ll feel a bit weird.”

An… encounter? What was that supposed to mean? Despite your reservations, you gave him a hesitant nod. He looked over your expression carefully before returning it. You trusted he wasn’t doing anything weird or dangerous. 

Not a moment later, there was an odd tugging feeling in your chest, and everything went weirdly dark with the exception of Sans himself. Hovering just in front of your chest was a vibrant, tiny little heart that seemed to glow and pulse with energy. 

"that, hot stuff, is your soul. monsters use confrontations like this to communicate in some cases, so it's common knowledge among monsters." He smiled, "i pulled you in, so it's your turn to go." 

"Go?" You tilted your head, "like… a turn in a video game?" 

“yup,” he popped, “exactly like that. unless you really wanna check me or act.”

“Um… okay.” He may as well have been speaking complete gibberish. “What’s, uh… check?”

***Sans. 1 hp, 1 attack, 1 defense. Thinks you’re cute in an awkward, baby giraffe kind of way.**

Okay, what the actual hell? How… how did you just  _ know  _ that? It felt… weirdly invasive. Sans hummed at your choice and shoved his hands in his pockets. He didn’t say anything, so you had no idea what he had done, but…he got an odd, thoughtful look on his face. 

“Um… okay. How do I.. spare you?” You asked in confusion before, much to your surprise, color came back to your vision, and the little floating heart was returned to your chest. 

“just like that.” He grinned and nodded. “just gotta want it.”

“...Oh. Huh. And that was my soul?”

“yup.” 

You rested you hand on your chest, where your soul had disappeared and blinked down at your plate. Huh.

“And you guys can just… do that?” Your sister pitched in. “How come we can’t?”

Sans tilted his head, “monsters are made of magic, so we inherently have a much better connection to our souls. you humans are all made of a bunch of gross squishy bits, and to my knowledge, haven’t really had magic in a long, long time. though… you all have much more powerful souls. it’s just a lot easier to harness the power of a bucket of water than an entire lake, if that makes sense.” 

He sounded a bit like he slipped into explaining it as if he were teaching a classroom. It was certainly something to see the subtle shifts he had done when doing so. It was like he was… used to it. More comfortable. The lights in his eyes seemed to brighten almost imperceptibly if you weren’t looking for them, and his smile fell into something a bit more casual. He… must have been a really good teacher. 

“We used to have magic?” You asked Sans in slight wonder. 

“some of you. there used to be mages.”

“Oh, that’s so cool,” Both you and your sister managed to mutter out at the same time in awe. 

Deborah scoffed, “if that really was her soul, isn’t it  _ dangerous  _ to pull it out like that?”

“yup. ‘s why it’s considered intimate most of the time, and why i pulled her into an encounter instead of one of you. it’s dangerous for us too, especially when we go in already sparing the other person. intent is very important to us.”

You nodded slowly as you took that bit of information in. Huh. And he had… trusted you enough to do that. What a wild concept.

"Woah," Sissy blinked at Sans in thinly veiled amazement, "that's  _ so fucking cool. _ "

"Watch your language," your mother chastised, though she had the same expression. 

“hard to watch something that’s not physical,” he joked lightly. “human eyes can’t exactly perceive most of the sound vibrations in the air.”

Your father snorted out a laugh and shook his head, “Why in the world were you keeping him from us?”

Maybe because you had just really met him that day. Or maybe because you and he  _ weren’t  _ really a thing. But, instead of letting on to either of those things, you just shrugged. 

“Didn’t do it on purpose. It just never came up.” Technically, that wasn’t a  _ lie  _ per say. 

“And you chose to tell me  _ after  _ I kept trying to set you up?” Your mother pouted, “I would say I feel bad, but that one was on you.”

“That’s… fair,” you agreed with a nod.

“I can’t believe you didn’t even tell  _ me _ , your own sister.” She rested her hand on her chest as if you had wounded her.

“It’s because you’re stinky,” you deadpanned back. 

Sans snorted and shook his head, “don’t bully your sister. she’s the only one you got, yeah?”

“Wh- Hey! Where was that attitude when she was bullying me?” You crossed your arms and pouted. 

“ah, i guess you’re right.” He turned to your sister, “hey, don’t do that, it’s  _ my  _ job.”

“That’s not what I meant, bonehead.” 

“i know.” He grinned and winked at you. “it’s what i meant, though.” 

You blushed and shook your head. “You dweeb. Absolute knucklehead. Doofus.”

“don’t forget knucklehead mcspazatron,” he tacked on. 

Well, he certainly wasn’t wrong. You would make sure to include that one next time. "Right, of course. How could I have been so blind?" 

"it's okay. i forgive your terrible, terrible mistake."

"Oh, how gracious of you, my good sir." You chuckled. 

“only for you, sweetcheeks,” Sans gave an over the top wink, even going so far as to say the word wink out loud. 

“Ugg. No PDA at the table,” Sissy butted in. “As fascinating as it would be, none of us wanna watch the two of you swap spit.” 

“Why in the world would you find that fascinating?” Your aunt asked sharply.

“Uh…  _ duh.  _ Because he’s a skeleton. You can’t tell me you’re not at least a little curious.”

“That’s!” You were a bit louder than you had meant to be in your embarrassment, so you awkwardly cleared your throat and tried again. “That’s enough of that one, Sissy.”

Geeze. Your whole family really was dead set on chasing away your fake boyfriend, huh? What a bunch of assholes.

“I can talk about other parts of him, if you’d like.” 

Sans snorted at that and shook his head. “only if you wanna give your sister a bone to pick with you.”

God, he was  _ playing along  _ with her. Would it be too dramatic to claim that you wished the void would open under your feet and swallow you up  _ just  _ so that you didn’t have to deal with the embarrassment?

...probably. What a shame. So, instead, you busied yourself with eating what was on your plate, pointedly ignoring the back and forth between Sans and your sister. They really were set on making you regret all of your life decisions up to that point, huh?

But… at the very least, it had lead you to meeting Sans. And for once, you kind of hoped you didn’t just end up falling out of contact with him like you usually did. 

But, then again.  _ He  _ might not want to talk to you after this. That… made you a bit sad. If you weren’t such a dumbass, maybe the two of you could have met under different circumstances and actually become friends the normal way. 

Sans laughed and you tilted your head to him. A small smile settled on your face as you carefully looked him over. Sans was… interesting. His expression shifted just barely, even when he was talking or laughing. And… if you looked close enough, in the right light, his bones seemed almost… just barely pearlescent with this lovely shade of cyan. Maybe it was because he was made of magic? Either way, it was… pretty. Sans the skeleton was very pretty.

You winced as you felt a kick to your shin, effectively tearing your gaze from your fake boyfriend. Instead, you glared at your sister, who wiggled her brows playfully at you, a knowing look in her eye.

“Penny for your thoughts?” She asked you, her grin turning a bit maniacal as she brought the attention of the table back to you.

“Uh…” you shifted uncomfortably. “Sure, but you have to give me the penny first.”

“What, you think I just carry those around with me?” She huffed and crossed her arms.

There was a sound of a soft cling as something gold flickered into your vision and clattered down on the table in front of you. You blinked at what seemed to be some kind of coin, picking it up and turning it over in your hands. 

“don’t got any pennies, but i have a g.” Wait… was this an actual gold coin? Why in the world did he just carry these around?

“Ah. Well, sorry. It is not a penny, and therefore, does not count.” You gingerly held it back out to him, but he shook his head and closed your hand around it with a little pat. 

“‘s oki. you can keep it anyways.”

You blinked in surprise and slowly lowered you hand. “Okay. If you’re sure.”

“i am.” He agreed with a nod. 

You almost made a comment about how you were supposed to be paying him to be there, but stopped yourself with a sheepish chuckle instead. “Well thank you then. I will treasure it always. And by that I mean buy a bag of chips or something with it.”

Sans looked over at you and gave a dramatically dreamy sigh, “man, am i a lucky guy.”

A bright flush settled on your cheeks at the look he was giving you, and you very lightly shoved him, “Nah. You’re a gremlin.”

“both?” 

“Both. Both is good,” you nodded in agreement. You didn’t quite understand why he seemed to think he felt the need to point out that he was lucky, but you’d just go along with that. 

“Well,” your mother leaned over an empty plate, “I have to say, this is certainly better than a bag of chips, dear. Thank you very much for agreeing to have us.”

“Oh, of course. But if you don’t mind my asking, why just you guys and why here?”

“You were close,” your father pointed out. “And a lot of the family already has plans for a big trip.”

They… did? Huh. That was news to you. Whatever, though. If they decided to do it here, than you supposed it was better that there weren’t a bunch of people stuffed into your home. It wasn’t big enough for that. But, whatever. It was nice to see your parents and your sister again. 

“I just happened to be in the area,” your aunt informed you. But… then… why in the world had she been complaining about getting here? You shook that one off. It didn’t matter. 

“And, I just did not want to cook!” Your mother pointed out in a certain teasing lightheartedness. “So, thank you very much. You’re a doll for hosting us.”

“I would say sure, anytime, but then I know you’re going to start randomly showing up because you feel like it. I’d like  _ some _ warning.” Despite the joking tone, you knew that wasn’t completely out of the realm of possibilities. Especially with your sister. 

You blinked over at the offending party across from you, but she was staring almost in wonder at Sans. Naturally, that turned your attention to him, too. Well… he  _ had  _ to be using magic for that, right? You couldn’t even balance one piece of silverware on its ends, and there he was, with a tower of them, effortlessly adding another one. 

He met your gaze and gave you a lazy wink. “oh. i’m sorry. did you wanna spoon?”

You were very glad you weren’t drinking something right then, because you probably would have choked on it. “Wh-  _ Sans! _ ”

He shifted to drop down a bit, his gaze almost level with the table as he narrowed his sockets thoughtfully at the spoon on the bottom. In a blur of movement and a show of dexterity that you absolutely hadn’t expected from the laid back skeleton, he snatched the spoon from the bottom.

The rest dropped down, swaying precariously, and you instinctively reached out to catch it. Sans stopped you by holding out his hand, staring intently as they balanced themselves back out. His grin widened as he held out the spoon to you.

“here you go.”

“...holy shit.” You gently took the spoon, looking at it was the coolest thing since sliced bread. “Remind me never to play Jenga with you.”

“okay. never play jenga with me.”

“...gee. Thanks.” 

“anytime, sweetheart.” He settled back in to be lazily leaning on the table, but he left the little tower up.

“You really weren’t kidding when you said you were a physics nerd, huh?” Your dad mused, tilting his head in thought at the skeleton posing as your boyfriend.

You weren’t sure if you were relieved of concerned that this was going so well. Your family…. really seemed to be fond of him, which was a good thing in the moment, but when you were going to have to deal with it later? Damn did you wish you were better at thinking things through. 

As dinner went on, you continued to keep losing yourself in thought, only pulling yourself out of it when someone addressed you. Really, the entire night went better than you ever could have hoped. Even Deborah continued to keep herself in check, much to your surprise. It might have been a bit awkward for you and probably a lot awkward for Sans, but… it really seemed like the two of you were going to pull this off.

And when everyone got ready to go, you traded pleasantries with your family and promises to stay in touch. Sans even got a handshake from your father and hugs from both your mother and sister, which he seemed to take in stride as they left. 

When the door finally shut with them gone, you slumped against it with a tired sigh. It had certainly been a night and a half, and you were about ready to crash on the nearest flat surface. You could clean up tomorrow for sure, but there was at least one other thing you had to handle first. 

You blinked up at the skeleton monster who rolled on his feet idly in front of you. “...thank you. I, uh… I can go grab my wallet so that you can get outta here and go home, yeah?”

He shook his head, “nah. i had fun, and your cooking really was good. you don’t owe me a thing.”

“But… I took up a whole night of your time for something so… dumb.”

“not dumb. you needed a solution to a problem, so you created one. though… it was made out of panic, and not the  _ best  _ decision,” he teased you, ruffling your hair. “like i said, it was nice. s’ been a while since i’ve done something like that.”

“If… if you’re sure, Sans.” You ran a hand through your hair and shook your head in disbelief. He was… he was sure something else, huh? “I won’t keep you any longer if you want to go. Um… thank you again. Do… do you want any leftovers or anything?”

“bold of you to assume i didn’t do that already.” He chuckled and stuffed his hands in his pockets, wandering past you to the door. “though…. it does seem like a human tradition to give your boyfriend a kiss goodnight when he leaves.” The lights in his eyes seemed to twinkle mischievously and your face erupted into a blush.

Before you could answer, he laughed and pulled the door open, shooting you a little wink. “have a nice night, hot stuff.” You blinked, and he seemed to disappear in that split instant of darkness. 

“.....goodnight, Sans.” Your hand came up to rest on your chest almost instinctively as you shut the door and began inside to sleep. 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you were wondering, Sans absolutely checked her out ;)
> 
> * (y/n) (l/n) 50 hp, 5 attack, 5 defense. She doesn’t know you, but she wants to.


	4. Contact for More Information

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Whoops, you have made many a errors.

You glared down at your phone as if it had personally offended you. It head been a good half hour since you’d gotten a text that you just… weren’t prepared for. It certainly wasn’t a long message, but it was more than enough to twist your insides into knots. 

On the bright side though, you knew why your relatives were all planning a trip now. 

**From Sissy: did u get a dress yet?**

At first, you had just been confused by the text, but then, when you’d gone to get a snack, your eye caught something hanging on your fridge that you’d forgotten about. 

A wedding invite. Shit. 

No, you did not have a dress. You hadn’t even remembered it was a thing that was happening. That in itself wouldn’t have been a problem if… well. 

...well, you hadn’t exactly made up a fake breakup for you and Sans yet. Yes, yes you knew it had been an entire month, but they really seemed to like him, and your aunt’s attitude about him really rubbed you the wrong way.

So, to summarize, you were keeping the ruse going out of spite and embarrassment. Yup. That sounded about right. It really checked out with your record of being just… the  _ biggest  _ dumbass idiot nerd in the history of the entire world. 

Your phone vibrated when you got another message. You were almost afraid to open it, but… you had to, didn’t you? This was kind of important. 

**From Sissy: are you bringing ur scrumptious bonefriend? ;)))**

**To Sissy: Please never call him scrumptious again that sounds weird and creepy**

**From Sissy: that’s not an answer ;)))**

That was very specifically because you didn’t  _ have  _ an answer to give her. Despite how you might tease her, your sister was a smart woman who was more than capable of putting two and two together. Plus, you had the inkling that she was already suspecting that it was a load of bullshit. She wasn’t wrong. 

You decided to leave her on read until you figured out what you wanted to do here. You… were really going to keep this up, weren’t you? This hole was starting to get so deep, you were sure you were going to hit oil if you kept it up. 

You bit your lip in thought and switched conversations to one that was empty apart from an address and a thumbs up emoji. 

**To Sans: Hey there! Sorry to bother you, but what are the chances I could talk you into a favor?**

**To Sans: This is that weird lady that invited you to dinner, btw**

**From Sans: i kno. whats up**

That took you a bit by surprise. Had he really kept your number? Why??

**To Sans: Okay, so… embarrassing story that I’m going to gloss over, but, uh… how would you feel about a bit of a road trip to go to a wedding? I know it’s asking a lot, and I know it’s very sudden, and you can totally say no. The wedding itself is in two weeks, and we’d probably be up there for three days. I’m so, so sorry.**

Ten minutes passed… then thirty. The longer it took him to respond, the more anxious you grew. He certainly was taking his sweet time. Or maybe you should take his silence as a hard no. 

You sighed and ran a hand through your hair. You were asking way too much of him. You really couldn’t blame him for not answering you.

...maybe you’d go grab a coffee so you could give yourself some time to think. More time to think meant a better story for your family. 

You stuffed your phone- still no new messages- in your bag and headed out the door. 

Luckily, you lived not too far from a nice little Italian themed cafe that made good pastries, too. You just had to hope there wasn’t a lot of foot traffic there right now. You didn’t want to deal with the anxiousness of crowds right now on top of everything else. 

At the very least, the streets were pretty empty apart from the occasional passing car or someone rushing off to work. You made sure to give them plenty of room and a nod when they passed by. 

You passed by a few shops, idly looking in the windows. One of these days, you’d have to try out the new bakery that just got put in a few blocks down the road from the cafe. You had caught the occasion glimpse of a cute spider monster through the windows. 

That had certainly made you happy, especially since her business seemed to be booming. The place was never  _ not  _ busy. It was good to see that humans were being so accepting of them… in some regards, at least. 

Well, even if some didn’t, you made sure to do your best. One person might not have been able to make much of a difference in the long run, really, but at the very least, you could hopefully brighten someone’s day. 

You pulled open the door to the shop, the little bell above the door ringing as you did so. You made your way quickly to the counter and ordered what you thought looked good, and the barista was quick to get to work. 

It wasn’t exactly crowded, but all the tables in the cafe were taken up. You rolled on your feet a bit awkwardly. Well… you supposed you could just take everything back home. 

You took the food and drink after dropping a tip in her jar and turned to begin out of the building.

“ _ Pssst. Miss! _ ” You blinked over at the person at the table who had just done the loudest stage whisper you had ever heard. “I COULD NOT HELP BUT NOTICE YOUR PLIGHT! THERE IS A FREE SEAT HERE IF YOU WOULD LIKE IT!”

A skeleton monster grinned at you from a small table that looked ridiculously dwarfed by him, even sitting down. You couldn’t help but smile a bit at the visual, but you shook your head.

“Oh, um… thank you, but you don’t have to do that. I don’t want to be a bother, and-“

“NONSENSE! I WOULD LOVE THE COMPANY!” He gestured to the seat across from him. 

You hesitantly sat down, giving him a curious look. “Thank you, er…”

“PAPYRUS!” He supplied for you. 

“Right. Thank you Papyrus.” That name… you had heard it before. 

“OH, OF COURSE! I WAS NOT ABOUT TO LEAVE YOU TO FLOUNDER AWKWARDLY, MISS HUMAN!” How… kind of him?

“Er… right.” You gave him your name and held out your hand. 

He blinked at your hand before something in his expression shifted. He took your hand and enthusiastically shook it, with enough force to just about pull you out right out of your seat. There was a certain mischievous sparkle in his sockets that you had almost missed. 

“IT’S LOVELY TO MEET MY BROTHER’S LADY FRIEND!”

His brother’s… oh.  _ Oh _ . That’s where you knew the name from. This was Sans’ brother! 

...wait. This meant… Sans had talked about you to his brother, or at the very least, he had mentioned your name. You.. supposed that made sense considering the fact you had borrowed him for a whole night.

Your cheeks went a bit pink regardless. “Er… yeah. I know Sans. You’re his brother.” Obviously, dummy. He had just said that. “I mean, uh… I’ve heard good things about you. Your brother obviously cares about you a lot.”

A light bit of color dusted his cheekbones. “OF COURSE! I AM THE GREAT PAPYRUS, AFTER ALL! SANS IS… ALSO VERY GREAT IN HIS OWN STRANGE WAY!”

You couldn’t help but chuckle, “yeah. He is.” It was a shame you’d probably gone and made him uncomfortable. You wouldn’t have wanted to talk to you, either after that request. 

“YOU KNOW, IT IS VERY STRANGE! I HADN’T EVEN KNOWN HE WAS TALKING TO SOMEONE, LET ALONE SERIOUS ENOUGH TO BE INVITED OVER FOR A HUMAN HOLIDAY TO MEET THE FAMILY!”

Your face went bright red, “Wait, we-“

“BUT, THEN AGAIN, SANS HAS ALWAYS BEEN A VERY SECRETIVE PERSON! I SHOULD NOT BE SURPRISED! I AM GLAD I GET TO MEET YOU, EVEN IF ONLY BY CHANCE!”

He looked so… bright and happy. Dammit. How dare he be so sincere about the situation.

“Well that’s… not… exactly… er…” you trailed off as she continued to grin softly at you. “...Right. I’m very glad I got to meet you, too.” 

You absolute idiot moron. Why wouldn’t you have just… corrected him? Sure, it was more than a little embarrassing, but it would have been a hell of a lot better than letting him think you were  _ actually  _ dating his brother. He wasn’t your family, he was Sans’. You can’t seriously just let Papyrus believe that you’re dating his brother. 

Maybe you should just move to the Alps and become a sheepherder under a different name. 

“You… uh… I mean… we’re not-“

“DO NOT WORRY! I UNDERSTAND. I WILL KEEP IT BETWEEN YOU AND SANS. I AM VERY GOOD AT ‘KEEPING IN MY OWN LANE’!” He assured you, reaching out to pat you on the head. 

You couldn’t help but chuckle lightly at the strange skeleton monster. He really was a cool dude, huh?

“IN FACT, I CAN KEEP THIS WHOLE MEETING TO MYSELF IF YOU’D LIKE! I CAN PRETEND TO BE SURPRISED WHEN HE INEVITABLY BRINGS YOU HOME.”

That… probably wasn’t going to happen. And if it did, it certainly wouldn’t be in the way he thought it would. 

“Thank you. That’s very sweet of you.” You sipped on your drink a bit awkwardly, unsure of where to really… go from there. 

Papyrus seemed fine with the silence, happily letting his gaze wander over the cafe. “I THINK IT WOULD BE NEAT TO OPEN A PLACE LIKE THIS.”

You blinked over at him, “Yeah? You like to cook?”

“I… ENJOY IT, YES. HUMANS HAVE A MUCH DIFFERENT WAY OF DOING IT THAN WHAT I WAS TAUGHT, THOUGH.”

Sans had said something about his brother not being very good at it. You hummed and tilted your head, “I see. Well, I’m sure it would be interesting to learn a whole new way of doing it. It’d be a fun challenge.”

He gave you a bright smile, “YOU ARE RIGHT! IT IS NO WONDER SANS LIKES YOU, YOU ARE VERY SMART.”

You chuckled sheepishly. Goodness, he was very charming, even if you weren’t entirely certain he was right. It was a very sweet sentiment. 

“I-“ your phone went off in your pocket. Would.. he mind if you just checked? It was probably just your sister, but… “..sorry, I should probably, um…”

“BY ALL MEANS!”

You pulled your phone out. 

**From Sans: white collar?**

...Oh. That was… huh. You honestly hadn’t expected him to text you back… well, ever. 

**To Sans: Semi-formal**

**From Sans: k. lemme know what days**

Holy shit. He… he agreed? You must have been making a wild face at your phone, because Papyrus chuckled out a soft little ‘nyeh heh heh!’

“WHO’RE YOU SPEAKING TO?”

“Uhm… Sans, actually,” you admitted. 

He grinned as if you had just told him a particularly interesting secret. “I SEE! HE HAS BEEN AT WORK ALL MORNING, SO HE MUST BE SLACKING OFF!”

“Oh, geeze. I’m sorry, I’ll-“

“IT IS QUITE ALRIGHT, MISS! I THINK IT’S SWEET!”

“...that he’s slacking off?”

“WELL, NO, BUT NO ONE CAN STOP HIM FROM DOING THAT. IT’S SWEET THAT HE’S TAKING THE TIME THAT COULD BE SPENT NAPPING OR SELLING HOT CATS INAPPROPRIATELY TO TALK TO YOU INSTEAD!”

Hot...cats? ...right. Okay. You’d set that aside to unpack some other time. The rest of what he’d said was actually fairly flattering. What a pair of sweethearts. Odd people, but sweethearts nonetheless. 

You gave him a sheepish chuckle, “yes, well, I’m sure he’d take any excuse to slack off he could get.”

“THAT IS… A FAIR POINT, ACTUALLY. THAT DOES VERY MUCH SOUND LIKE HIM.” He made a face and shook his head, “BUT I DIGRESS!”

Sans was such an odd dude. Good at jokes, naps, and apparently gravity defying balancing acts befitting for a five star circus. 

You couldn’t help the little chuckle, “does he, uh… does he do that balancing thing often?”

Papyrus gave you a very serious look. “NEVER EVER PLAY HUMAN JENGA WITH HIM. YOU WILL BE ABSOLUTELY DECIMATED.”

“I’ll keep that in mind. I’ll just stick to go-fish.”

“THAT IS FOR THE BEST! YOU COULD ALWAYS JOIN ME IN A GAME OF SOLITAIRE WHEN IT COMES TO GAME NIGHTS!”

You gave him an odd look, but he seemed so sure about that. You certainly weren’t going to be the one to correct him. Besides, you were perfectly fine playing cheerleader.

“Well, thank you very much. I might just have to take you up on that.” 

He practically beamed at you with a nod, “IT’S A PLAN THEN! I WILL SUGGEST THAT SANS INVITE HIS MYSTERY LADY FRIEND NEXT TIME WE DO GAME NIGHT!”

“Oh. You don’t have to. I mean- I don’t want to intrude.”

“YOU WOULD NOT BE! YOU ARE AN ABSOLUTE DELIGHT!”

You flushed and chuckled sheepishly, “Uhm… thank you.”

“YOU DO NOT NEED TO THANK ME! I DID NOTHING BUT TELL THE TRUTH!” He glanced down at his wrist and promptly stood up quick enough to give  _ you  _ vertigo. “I APOLOGIZE, BUT I MUST BE OFF!”

“That’s okay. I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day, Papyrus.”

“AND I, YOU! I WILL SEE YOU AGAIN SOON! I AM CERTAINLY ROOTING FOR YOU!” He dramatically closed a socket, “ _ WINK! _ ” 

Before you had time to process any of that, he was out the door. What…just… what? Putting aside the fact that he had said the word wink out loud, he… What in the world was  _ that  _ supposed to mean?

...Maybe you shouldn’t put too much stock into it. 

You thoughtfully finished the rest of your food before nodding to yourself and texting back both your sister and Sans. It would seem you had a bit of shopping to do today. It certainly still surprised you that Sans had agreed, but you weren’t about to look a gift horse in the mouth. Especially not one from such a good guy.

…..

You were certainly just going to keep dining this hole deeper, weren’t you?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mc: Papyrus, I am not dating your brother 
> 
> Papyrus: .... YET. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)


	5. In Transit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You go on a car ride. It goes as well as you would expect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [here’s a song to go with the chapter ;)](https://youtu.be/1k8craCGpgs)

“Is that all? Are you sure you don’t need to grab anything else?” 

“Mom, I’m going up there for three days, not a month. I don’t need to bring my entire wardrobe,” you tossed the duffel bag on top of the car to be tied down. “Besides, we have an extra tagging along, and I’m sure he’ll have stuff, too.”

“Speaking of,” your father peeked out from the driver’s window. “Are we picking loverboy up, or is he supposed to meet us here?”

“Oh, I texted him. He should be-“ 

Your attention turned to your front door as it was pulled open. Much to your confusion, Sans moseyed out of your house and shut the door behind him. He gave you a wink before making his way over, nothing but a paper bag that read ‘Grillby’s’ in hand. 

“thanks for letting me sleep in, sweet thing.” He peeked into the car, “so, where am i sitting?”

You flushed at the implication, a bit confused as to how he’d gotten into your house. You… could have sworn you’d locked it up… but it hadn’t been the first time you’d been wrong.

It was easy enough to shake that off. “Well, seems like Sissy’s already claimed behind the driver’s side. I can take the middle if you want.”

“sounds like a plan,” he nodded and held open the door for you, setting his bag on the floorboard before waving to your family. “hi mom, hi dad, hi sissy.”

They all gave him a greeting, but all of their gazes were set slyly onto you. You awkwardly cleared your throat and found your spot situated in the middle seat, careful not to step on anyone’s things. Dammit Sans. He had no idea what he’d just done by not showing up like a normal person. You sunk into your seat a bit as Sans plopped in next to you and the car pulled away.

His ability to get comfortable anywhere was kind of amazing, really. And it was really one you didn’t have. If he was the embodiment of casual and relaxed, you were his polar opposite with how… anxious and awkward you were. You were kind of a bumbling idiot… you really weren’t sure why he continued to go along with it all. Maybe it was entertaining to him. Or maybe it was pity. 

You didn’t realize you’d been picking at a loose thread in your shirt as your thoughts spiraled until a hand briefly rested on yours, stilling it. His hand was bigger than yours, and his bones were warm. You couldn’t help but wonder if they were like that naturally, or if he had to put effort into making them warm. 

He pulled away a few seconds later with a little pat. Instead of brining it up, he gave you a little smile and pulled the bag up. Judging by the smell, he’d brought along food and nothing else. 

“m sure you guys brought plenty of food, but no one does fries like grillbz.” He pulled out said fries and offered you some.

You took one to nibble on, and… admittedly, they were very good. “Thank you,” you muttered out, though it wasn’t just for the fires. 

He gave you a nod in return before shifting to look out the window. The car was quiet a few seconds before the electronic whir of the CD player told you that your father had popped a cd in. Oh… you really hoped it wasn’t the road trip cd with exactly ten songs on it. Well… five songs actually; Don’t Stop Believin’ was on it the other five times.

The first few notes of said song told you all you needed to know. 

“Please no,” you requested. “Please, I beg of you, don’t let the cd loop the whole way.”

“you don’t like this song?” Sans asked. “and here i thought you were just a small town girl… living in a lonely world.” He deadpanned the lyrics in perfect time to the song. 

“No, no, don’t get me wrong, I like the song. I like the song the first twenty times, and then I’m tempted to frisbee the cd out the window.” That wasn’t entirely a joke. 

“sounds like you _do_ stop believing in it… how sad.” 

“I’m holding on to that feeling of annoyed rage,” you shot back, shaking your head.

“Rage?” Your sister raised a brow, “you? I don’t think your capable of such an emotion.”

“yeah, well you weren’t there when i told her it was muggy outside and put all of her cups out in the yard,” Sans sighed, “at least her couch is comfy.”

...he _had_ to have done this before. That, or he just thought on his toes better than anyone you;d ever met. Though, You probably wouldn’t have gotten that mad at cups in the yard, especially with such a terrible joke to go with it. 

“You sleep on the couch all the time. Because you _want_ to. The mugs had nothing to do with you sleeping on the couch.”

“touché.” He chuckled softly and tilted his head at you curiously. Probably at that fact that you were deciding to be semi decent at playing along. Or, at least, you hoped you were. Hell if you really knew. 

“Sounds like you two have had some adventures, hm?” Your mom smiled back at the pair of you from the passenger seat. 

“Oh, you have no idea,” you chuckled sheepishly. You really hoped she didn’t ask for more stories. You could only make up so many.

Much to your surprise, she grinned and nodded before turning back around. You looked to Sans, who just gave you a little wink. You looked away. 

The car fell into silence apart from the music as everyone did their own thing. Your sister tapped away on her phone, content to text what you assumed was her friends. Both Sans and your mother had taken to watching the scenery pass by through the window.

The first loop of the cd passed by quickly, signaling a little more than a half hour had passed. You sighed a bit as the accursed song began once more. You swore he had done that on purpose, just to drive you nuts.

“...hey, do ya think the party is gonna have any bofa?” Sans broke the silence. What was… wait. Wait a second. 

….Did he really just... wow. Wow, what an absolute doofus.

Before anyone else could respond, you swooped in with a thoughtful hum. “Well, our family is Sugondese, so probably not.”

When Sans seemed caught off guard at your seemingly genuine response, you tilted your head innocently at him. Your sister quietly looked up from her phone to stare at him with a straight expression. 

“i, uh… sugondese? is that a religion? or a culture? sorry, we haven’t been up here long enough for me to know about all of them.”

Oh, you almost felt bad. Almost. “Hey, that’s okay. No need to sweat it. I’m more than happy to explain.” Your expression split into an almost malicious grin, “It’s like… you know… Sugondese nuts?”

A look of shocked realization crossed his expression. When both you and your sister burst into rambunctious laughter, he grinned gleefully. An odd expression for someone who had just been ‘owned’ as they in the business said, but… happiness was a good look on him. 

“alright. you got me. nice one, sweetheart.”

You choked a bit at the pet name, though it was easily covered up with a chuckle. You relaxed back into your seat and shot him a wink. “Why thank you. It was my pleasure.”

“can’t say i’ve ever been so glad to have been dunked on.”

“And you walked right into it,” your sister mused with a grin. “I didn’t take you for the type.”

“‘m normally not. very good acting on your part. i’m very proud.”

“As her father… so am I,” there was a nod of agreement from the front seat. “I taught her well.”

“No, _you_ taught me not to trust a handshake. That one was all me.”

“They grow up so fast,” he continued to lament as you playfully rolled your eyes. “Feels like just yesterday she was playing in the mud and eating bugs.”

“Wh- hey, wait a second, I never did that! You’re making things up!”

“Am I?” 

...you flushed and grumbled, unsure how to answer that challenge. He.. was your parent. He knew better than you, probably, and that was something you were perfectly fine remaining ignorant to.

Sans just chuckled softly at the conversation. At least _someone_ was getting entertainment value from your suffering, you supposed. 

The clamor slowly died down in the car once more as the CD looped again. 

“can you turn it up? this is a good song.” Sans requested as if it hadn’t already played more than twenty five times. Damn. Revenge was a dish best served cold. Or in this case, revenge was a dish best served on the midnight train. 

Headphones…. why in the world did you not bring headphones? Was this really the _only_ thing you were going to listen to on the whole trip? Why did everything always happen so much?

Much to Sans’ amusement, you sunk down in your seat to wallow in your pity… and just to add insult to injury, he lacklusterly hit a few perfectly timed air drum beats. You pointedly looked back out the front windshield as the song played on. 

When it ended, you couldn’t help slumping over a bit in relief. 

“....i wasn’t paying attention, can you restart the cd?”

“If I weren’t sitting in the middle, I would have already jumped out the car window,” you eyed Sans, “but I’m considering booting you out instead.”

“aw. and here i thought you loved me,” he deadpanned. 

Your face went bright red as you floundered for a second. Wow, that was… sure something, huh? How in the world did he expect you to respond to that? 

You settled on an awkward chuckle, "Whatever helps you sleep at night."

"well, ideally, you." Sans winked over at you.

"Ew," your sister butted in, "I do _not_ wanna know what you guys do at night." 

"nah, probably not. i'll spare you and the folks the spicy deets."

If this was payback for the Sugondese, it was certainly effective. You were as red as you'd get without overheating, poorly hiding your face in your hands. Spicy deets your damn ass. The spiciest deet you had was the fact that the pair of you were blatantly lying to your family… though you supposed that was more 'hot tea' than it was spicy.

"Thank you. I appreciate that, though it's nice to know that she won't be alone forever."

" _Mom_!" Your voice was barely a squeak. "Why? Why are all of you so terrible? I'm disowning you. Every single one of you doofuses and dingbats."

"Because you make teasing you easy, obviously." Sissy poked at your side and you squeaked again before smacking her hand away. What a jerk. You don't… no, that was a lie. She was right.

You grumbled and sunk into your seat, just as Don't Stop Believin' came one once more. If there were a table in your general vicinity, you would have flipped it. 

"I swear to all that is holy, I'm gonna lose my mind if we don't get out of this car soon."

"We're almost there, but we can take a rest stop if you want,” your father offered.

"Yes please," you nodded quickly. "It'll be good to stretch, anyways."

"you sure that's the only reason? that sounds kinda like a stretch to me." 

" _Sans."_

"yeah, that seems like a more likely reason." He chuckled as you sighed loudly. 

Were you being a bit dramatic? Absolutely you were, but who could blame you really? You were stuck in a car with your family and Sans, with the same song repeating over and over. This was up there with CIA interrogation levels of cruel. 

Your father pulled off at the next rest stop, and you waited for either people in the backseat with you to get out so that you could follow without crawling over them. They both seemed to notice that and moved at a glacial pace. The CD hit the song once more and you gave both of them a _look._

Sans chuckled and pulled himself out of the car. You were very quick to follow, wandering away from the car as everyone else got out a did their own thing. It was a nice day out. It was kind of a shame you were all spending it shoved up in a car like a bunch of sardines. 

"heya, lady. how's stretching going?" Sans plopped down to sit on a nearby bench. 

"It's certainly… going," you chuckled. "Kind of like how _I_ am going crazy."

"all the best people are." He nodded sagely.

"Crazy?" You asked, tilting your head at him. 

"no. going." He grinned back at you. 

“Sans, I have no idea what you’re on about. That makes no sense.” 

“well of course it does. you’re going somewhere, paps _goes_ all the time. all the best people go.”

“...you’re certainly right about Papyrus. I, uh… ran into him the other day. He’s a real sweetheart, but he’s got some impressive energy to him.” You chose to gloss over that first part. 

He nodded, “yeah, i heard all about that. he was real excited to have met you. thought you were real nice.”

“Yeah? Sounded like you talked about me to him some,” you teased.

Sans shrugged nonchalantly, “course i did. not every day i get invited to a stranger’s house for dinner. he wanted to know all about it. i get the feeling you can relate.”

“Boy howdy.” You shrugged and sat on the bench with him. “They mean well. And it’s sweet that they care so much, even if the way they go about it is… questionable at best.” 

“i dunno. i like your family. they seem to enjoy driving you crazy in a good way, like every good family member should.” 

“If that’s your opinion, I pity poor Papyrus and what he has to go through on a daily basis.” 

“i think you mean what both him and you have to go through, girlfriend.” He gave you a mischievous grin. 

You flushed and fiddled with your fingers, giving him a sheepish chuckle. “...Right. Thank you for all of this, Sans. It means a lot that you’re… still going along with all of this for some reason.”

“course, lady. you’re a good person. awkward as all get out, but that’s okay. it’s endearing. i’m sure when you get that not fake bondmate someday, you’ll worm your clumsy little way into their heart no problem ... er… assuming you _want_ a not fake datemate.”

….huh you… hadn’t ever really heard that from anyone before. “That’s… sweet of you. Thanks. And I, uh… I’m not sure. Maybe someday. When I meet the right person, you know?”

“...yeah, i get it. for what it’s worth, whoever ends up holding your attention ‘d be a very lucky person. not every day i meet someone who can keep up with my word skills.”

“Word skills? You mean your dumb memes?” He was being unfairly sweet, and you weren’t entirely sure how to feel about it, so you deflected. 

“same thing. either way, i can yeet that wheat.” He lacklusterly brought his arms up, one covering his face and the other held out.

“....are you seriously dabbing right now.” 

“worm.” He switched arms before putting them both down and winking at you. 

He was quiet for a few moments before continuing, “you know you can tell me to stop if i’m being too much of a pain in the coccyx, right? there’s a pretty big difference between being a nuisance and actually making you upset.”

Was that really something he was worried about? “You’re such a goober.” You shook your head in amusement. “You’re fine. I promise you’ve been nothing but sweet, and wonderful, and a good sport this entire time.”

“nice to know you think so highly of me.”

“Of course I do. You’ve suffered through Don’t Stop Believin’ just as many times as I have today, _and_ you asked for it again. You’re secretly hardcore as hell.”

“secretly? ouch. ooh, my fragile skeleton pride,” he deadpanned, clutching at the front of his shirt. 

“Well yeah. Like a reverse cactus. Soft and probably secretes slime on the outside… and still both of those on the inside, so nothing like a cactus, actually. Just a gross gooey mess.”

“you think i’m slimy?” At the question, you began to backtrack only for him to give a playful sniffle. “that’s so nice of you. you really know how to give a compliment.”

You blinked at him in confusion for a moment before it faded off into an amused smile. “You’re so _weird._ It’s no wonder you keep going along with all of this.”

“yup. that’s for sure, certainly the only reason. mmhm.” He nodded and stood up. “nice conversation, lady, see you back at the car.” Sans gave you a wink and wandered away. You got the feeling he was being shifty on purpose just to continue to get under your skin. What a butt. 

…. did skeletons have butts? Obviously, they had tailbones, but that wasn’t the same. You didn’t think you wanted to ask him though, so it would forever remain a mystery. And you were certainly okay with shelving that one. _Permanently._ Like that book you had gotten a year ago that you swore you’d read, but ‘never got around to’ despite the ample time you had to do so.

… with that, you got up and followed back to the car. It was just a little while longer. You could _certainly_ do it. You’d just have to do a bit of selective blocking out so that you didn’t have to hear Journey for the umpteenth time.

You plopped back down into the back seat and scooted over to the middle once more to wait for everyone else to pile in. It wasn’t long before the lot of you were in the car again, and off once more to the wedding. 

Sans was quick to find a spot leaning against you, much to your flustered confusion. You looked to him in question only to see that he seemed completely at ease.

“nap time. wake me when we get off the midnight train?” He requested softly, quick to get comfortable, as per usual.

“...Yeah. Okay. Sweet dreams.”

“dream of you, got it.” He winked before settling once more. 

“Cute,” your mother mushed from the front seat, and your blush got brighter. Even just going to sleep he managed to get you all flustered. That just wasn’t fair. Why couldn’t you have asked someone deplorable to do this so that you could have fake-broken up with them in the first place?

You looked down at Sans and smiled softly. Maybe, just this once, your dumb terrible plans wouldn’t end up so terribly. At the very least, you had met Sans. He was… certainly something else. A very good man, if not a bit chaotic. He had a good heart. Or, well, a good soul. You counted yourself pretty lucky that it had been him.

It was all you could do to hope that the two of you would still be friends once you figured out how to get yourself out of this situation. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MC: makes one (1) joke
> 
> Sans, instantly: >:3c hark, a challenge


	6. Gratis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hotel, motel, holiday inn

When the car pulled up to the hotel, you nudged Sans. Much to your amusement, he stirred slightly and let out a loud snore. You got the feeling that if he wanted to, he could probably sleep through most anything. But right now, you had to get him up so that he knew where his room in the hotel was. 

"Sans," you tried nudging him again, just slightly harder. That seemed to get him awake enough to blearily rub at his sockets before looking at you. 

"...oh. 's you. hey there." He sat up a bit to look around.

"Well, Yeah it's me. Who else would it have been?" 

"papyrus. but when he wakes me up it's usually much more…. more." He shrugged a bit, but you could certainly see that being the case. "we here?" 

"At the hotel, yeah. I figured you'd want to head up to your room. Maybe even sleep in an actual bed," you teased a bit. You didn't even know what room  _ you _ were in. The bride and groom had been kind enough to get the hotels for the family that needed it for the night.

"dunno. you might just be better than an actual bed. warm and comfy." He looked like he was going to continue, but stopped himself. 

You blushed regardless and looked away. "...whatever, you dork. Get out of the car already."

Sans sighed as if that had been a particularly grueling task. "alright, alright. i'm going." 

He sat up and popped open the door before rolling out. You made a noise of concern at that, but he easily ended up back on his feet and shoved his hands nonchalantly in his pockets. 

"you coming, or are you staying in the car?" 

"I… uh. Yeah." You nodded and scrambled out after him. You stood a bit awkwardly before he gave you an expectant look. "...Right." 

You checked your phone and began off to check in while your family worked on luggage. You knew that they had gotten a block of rooms all in close proximity, but that was about it. At the very least, you had been sent all the information you needed to get the rooms. 

Sans idly followed you into the front office, looking around at the decor as he did. You didn't mind any, quickly making your way up to the desk and giving the man at the counter all of the information he needed. He quickly signed you in and handed you off two keys- one of which was under your father’s name and the other yours.

“A room for three and a room for two. Rooms numbers are on the cards. Let me know if you have any questions.” 

You gave him a little thanks as you shoved the cards in your pocket and turned back to go out. Sans followed behind you once more. 

“all good to go?”

“Yeah. It sounds like they only got two rooms, so, uhm… I hope you don’t mind rooming with me too much?” You could deal with that. Most rooms had two beds, after all. You could just… both have your own spaces, and it wouldn’t be too much of a problem.

“i don’t mind. sounds like something couples would do, anyways, yeah?” He pointed out, falling in step with you and playfully tossing an arm around your middle.

You blushed and chuckled sheepishly. “Well… yeah, I guess.”

“‘nd i could probably sleep about anywhere.” He shrugged a bit with his free hand, and you got the feeling that he wasn’t being dramatic. 

“Okay. I just wanted to make sure. I know I’ve asked a lot of you up to this point, but not quite… that much, y’know?”

“yeah. i get it. but you don’t have to be all worried about it. you’re good people, so i don’t mind.”

You were caught in the middle of a big elaborate lie that you dragged him into, and he… still thought that? Maybe Sans was a bit too lenient for his own good. But, maybe you should be thankful for that. It was… sweet. You certainly didn’t deserve that. 

“...Okay. You’re a good people, too.”

He didn’t reply to that. At his silence, you looked over at him curiously only to see him looking thoughtfully at the ground as you walked back. You… didn’t pry. You didn’t really think you had any right to, no matter how much it concerned you.

As soon as you got back to the car, your bag was dropped into your arms. You shifted it a bit to hold it better in one arm so that you could pull the keys out of your pockets. Before you could do that, though, Sans shifted his hand down from where it was settled around your waist to stick it in your back pocket. You bit back a little noise of surprise as he pulled the keys out and handed one off to your father. You were glad you had your bag to hide your bright red face behind. 

“Oh. Thank you,” he took it from Sans with a little nod. “Everything go okay?”

“eyup. everything went swimmingly.” The blush only got brighter when he returned his hand to your pocket. One glance over at Sans and his shit eating grin told you that he knew  _ exactly  _ what he was doing.

“Good. Have you two gone and scoped out the room yet?”

“not yet. figured we’d get bags and call it a night once we got in there.” Sans explained lightly, even though he had just woken up from his prolonged car nap. You nodded in agreement despite that. 

“I’m sure you guys could use the rest, too. Driving all day is exhausting for everyone.”

Your sister sighed, “I can’t believe you went and got yourself a date. Now I have to share a room with them.” She gave Sans a playful look. “How much is she paying you?”

You did your best not to tense up, but he just chuckled and waved it off. “she doesn’t have to. never did.”

She clicked her tongue and huffed, “downside of online relationships is that I don’t get rooms to myself.” 

“You’ll just have to invite them next time,” your mother mused from behind her. 

You… elected to sneak off while the two of them chatted. Thankfully, Sans pulled his hand out of your pocket as he followed you off.

It wasn't too hard to figure out which way you needed to go in order to get to your room. Thank goodness for numbers in sequential order, you supposed. Once you found the room that matched the number on the key, you were quick to unlock the door and push it open. 

You blinked in slight surprise at the room, and Sans let out a little amused snort behind you. 

"God… damnit." You confined yourself to grumble as you dropped the bag by the door and scowled at what was obviously a honeymoon suite. Because of fucking course it was. 

One bed. One little side table with a bottle of champagne. One tiny love seat. One entire family that was really out to get you. It might have been a sweet gesture if you were  _ actually  _ dating someone. But this was just rubbing salt in the wound and making your horrible lie even more awkward for you.

You pinched at the bridge of your nose. "I'm sorry. I didn't think they'd do that."

He wandered in and flopped into the bed. "all good. these rooms usually have comfier beds and pillow mints, anyways." He held up said little wrapped candy before shoving it in his pocket.

"You… really don't mind?" He seemed to take a liking to the bed already, so you'd scrunch up on the loveseat, you supposed. 

"nah. i really don't. i'm not as picky as you seem to assume i am."

"Right, but there's only one bed, and I-" 

"does it bother you?" 

Did… sharing a room with Sans bother you? "Well, no, but-"

"no butt. just a pelvis. as long as the issue isn't that you're uncomfortable, there isn't an issue. i would tell you if there was," he assured you. 

You looked him over to try to find even the slightest hint that he wasn't being truthful. Either he was hard to read, or he was being sincere. Maybe both. 

"...okay. Well, you can take the bed if you want." 

He gave you an odd look. “and where are  _ you  _ planning to sleep? that little armchair of a couch?”

"Well-" 

"It's fine. you can take the bed. i really don't got any problems falling asleep wherever." Sans continued to insist, much to your chagrin. Maybe what you needed was just to offer a compromise. 

"...it's a big bed. We can share. It has about a gazillion pillows too, so we can make a barrier if you want?" 

"what, don't want to accidentally cuddle your fake datemate in your sleep?" Sans teased lightly. 

"Wh… well, yeah? I mean, I feel like that's a lot of boundaries being crossed."

"It's fine, lady. i really don't mind unless you're a violent sleeper. and even then, the most i'll complain is with old dean martin songs." 

You sighed and decided just to relent. "Well, wouldn't that just be a kick in the head?" 

“‘xactly,” he chuckled and nodded before wandering over to flop onto the bed. 

You hesitantly followed behind and sat down on the edge of the bed. You knew you were being silly. Sans had already said it was okay, so… why were you so nervous? You had absolutely no reason to be. It was just Sans. 

….just Sans. Right. 

“you should get some sleep. wedding’s tomorrow, right?”

You nodded and laid back, getting comfortable. “Yeah. Then the day after, we can just do whatever. Would have been silly to drive all that way for just one day here.”

“get some rest then. won’t you need it to get up and get all dolled up?”

“Okay, well, first of all, I’m not the bride so, no… but you’re right. Sleep sounds real good right about now,” you admitted. 

“well, then what’s stopping you? i would never ever. it’s against everything i stand for. lay for in this case.”

“... I guess you’re right. Sorry, I know I’m being silly.” You moved to curl up in the blankets.

“don’t gotta apologize for silly. there’s nothing wrong with it.” Sans lazily gestured to himself. “i mean… just look at me. would be kinda hypocritical if i had a problem with it.”

At the invitation, you looked him over thoughtfully. “Yeah, but you’re the good kind of silly. The charming kind that…” you trailed off. “Well, we are different kind of silly.”

“you think i’m charming, huh?” He wiggled his brow at you. “good to know.”

That wasn’t at all what you had intended for him to gather from that. Heat settled on your cheeks and you cleared your throat a bit awkwardly. “...right. I’m just gonna go to sleep now.”

“sweet dreams,” you felt the bed move a bit as he shifted to get comfortable.

Right. Sleep. You just had to sleep. It wasn’t weird or anything, he had even said so himself. You needed to stop overthinking it, probably. You shut your eyes and took a few deep breaths, forcing yourself to relax into the bed. 

Despite your trepidation, your exhaustion eventually won out in the end and you fell asleep fairly quickly. It was a light sort of sleep, and your hyperactive weariness made you jerk awake any time either of you shifted a bit too close. Sure, you were being silly, but… truly, it was better safe than sorry and that registered even in your sleep. 

Eventually, the dim light of the sunrise streaking through the curtains was enough to rouse you for the last time. You sat up slowly to avoid waking Sans, but one glance at the skeleton monster and you knew he was sleeping like the dead. Lucky bastard. 

You made your way over to your bag and pulled out your clothes for the wedding. At the very least, you could make use of the time you had to spare by getting ready…. and then maybe you’d go pick up breakfast for Sans and you.

So, you took your dress and your other bathroom essentials before making your way in to take a shower. It took you a minute or two to figure out how to get it to be a temperature that you deemed acceptable, but after that, you quickly stepped in.

Admittedly, more of the time under the flow of the water was spent staring at the wall in thought, and at some point, you started humming to yourself as you cleaned up. The humming absentmindedly continued even after you stepped out and went about the rest of your getting ready. 

Once you were satisfied with it for now, you stepped out of the bathroom only to see Sans sitting up on the edge of the bed. You paused, very glad you were completely dressed. That would have been something that you were certain you wouldn’t have been able to come back from. You could already just see it; calling the whole thing up and making up an excuse to go home just because you couldn’t look Sans in the socket.

… good thing you avoided that by not being as stupid as you could have been.

“Good morning. I… didn’t wake you, did I?” That was really the last thing you had wanted. You probably shouldn’t have been so loud.

He shrugged from his spot perched on the bed. “it’s okay. at least i got a nice awakening. better than most alarms i’ve had to endure… ‘most alarms’ being code for papyrus.”

You couldn’t help but chuckle at that. “Yeah? I can imagine he’d be very good at that. You mentioned that when I woke you up from the car, too.”

“there’s a reason i’m good at sleepin’. took lotsa practice… i try to do it for at least nine hours a day.” 

“Just nine?” You chuckled. “You’re slipping. Koalas sleep twenty-two hours per day, you know.”

He shrugged, “what can i say? that’s a quality marsupial right there. better than me in every way.”

“What? No, it’s just got a bigger nose than you.” You chuckled a bit as he flopped over dramatically.

He sighed, “maybe that’s the secret… the superiority is stored in the nose.”

“I… don’t think that’s it.” You chuckled softly. “Anyways, at least you have a better diet than koalas. You wanna go grab breakfast?”

“yeah. yeah, that sounds nice. here at the hotel, or somewhere else?”

“I dunno. I was thinking hashbrowns. What do you think the chances are of this place having good ones?”

“mmm…. i dunno. wanna go find out?” He asked playfully, standing up to adjust his clothes. 

“Yes. Absolutely I do. That’s why I invited you.” You chuckled and offered a hand. “I still have some getting ready to do, but that can wait. I don’t need to look like I’m going to a wedding just for going down to get breakfast.”

“why not? make it an event.” He shrugged a bit. “the dress looks good, by the way. blue’s a good color on you.”

You blushed lightly and gave a little twirl. “Thanks. I’m pretty fond of it myself." 

He chuckled and stood up. "yeah? well, you're fake dating the right skeleton, then." 

You eyed his jacket. "You do seem to be pretty fond of it." 

"oh, you have no idea." He chuckled a bit and rolled on his feet. "maybe i'll show you some day."

...that sounded… odd. You tilted your head and raised a brow at him. "...right. Maybe we can worry about some day after breakfast."

"sounds like a plan. lead the way." He gestured you out and the door swung open, seemingly of its own accord. Magic sure was something. 

"Uh… right. Thanks." You began out, glancing a bit curiously at the door as you passed. 

Sans trailed behind you as you made your way through the lobby and to the little sit down lounge area, where they had everything laid out somewhat like a buffet. They had a few things sitting out that you didn't even have to look to know they were there- the smell of coffee, bacon, and potatoes had spread throughout the area. 

Sans made his way past you at your pause in the doorway. He pulled his hands out of the pockets of his hoodie to grab a plate before starting to pile it high, adding ketchup between layers of food as if it were some kind of breakfast lasagna. 

What a gremlin. 

You chuckled lightly and made your way in to get a much less dramatic plate and joined him at the table he had made himself comfortable at. He took a bite and hummed. 

"What's the hash verdict?" You asked playfully.

He gave a hum and narrowed his sockets in thought. "mmm… crunchy, but still a bit on the greasy side. ideal hash, even if it's not hot anymore."

"Ah. Thank you for your verdict. I suppose that means it's safe to eat, though I'm not sure how you got all that with the amount of ketchup on there." You happily took a bite and nodded. It certainly was very good. Whoever cooked them knew what they were doing. 

….maybe this was a good time to ask Sans a few questions. 

“...so, you really teach college?” 

“mhm. a few days a week, at least.” He chuckled. “some of the students are real sweet.”

“Oh?” You wiggled your brows playfully, “any sweet on you?”

He gave you an odd look before humming, “not any students that i’d be interested in, no.” 

...huh. “...I see… shit, I didn’t even ask if you were with someone. I’m so sorry, this would be-“

Before you could get too far, Sans held up a hand and shook his head. “don’t worry. i’m not. as surprising as that may be, with how ruggedly handsome i am.”

You quickly caught on to the twinge of sarcasm in that last part, “well,  _ ruggedly  _ handsome might be a stretch, but handsome, yes.”

He blinked at you in surprise, the slightest tinting of blue settling on his cheekbones. “um… if you say so, lady.” 

“I do,” you gave him a resolute nod before you continued to eat. He watched you for a few moments, seemingly mulling something over. The look passed fairly quickly and he returned to his food, as well. 

He seemed a bit lost in thought, so you didn’t try to ask him anything else. Instead, you worked on finishing your plate so that you could get back to the room and finish getting ready. Sans hadn’t even started. Or… at least you assumed he hadn’t. He also hadn’t brought any bags with him, so… maybe he was just going in that.

Once the two of you finished, there was an almost unspoken agreement for you two to get up and make your way back. 

You glanced over briefly at Sans as the pair of you walked back. There was something that settled along with the nervousness that always seemed to settle in the back of your mind whenever you and him did this charade. You… couldn’t quite place the feeling, but…

…. you were finding that you didn’t mind it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me, patting the story: this baby can fit so many tropes in it.... *so many*.

**Author's Note:**

> Here’s a Tumblr if you nerds have any questions, or you just want to chat:
> 
> [boop.](https://lost-immortality.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Or maybe you’d prefer Discord?](https://discord.gg/jepdwsy)
> 
> [Twitter is also a thing!](https://twitter.com/Immortana)


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